THE DEATH SNEEZE:

I have theory (tentatively to be known as the Steven Neuman Unified Theory of Incrimental Sinus-Related Aging). Every now and then I’ll be walking along and it will be all lovely and sunny, and I will suddenly sneeze. Not just any sneeze, or a fit of little sneezes, or even a drippy snotty cold sneeze. It is a DEATH SNEEZE. One singularly powerful sneeze that causes every muscle in your body to contort and tighten like a massive cramp, it whips your neck forward, and makes you squeeze your eyes shut tight. The aftermath is usually shock, a slight amazement from bystanders, and an overall pain in all regions of the corpus. Usually these sneezes are totally unprovoked, they come out of nowhere, and here we get to the crux of the theory: these sneezes are what bring us one step closer to death, they are the ticks of the second hand on our biological clocks, inching us ever closer to our inevitable doom. The death sneeze is unavoidable (as is death) but it’s just something to think about. may 12 03 530